


They Don't Understand

by kittynightterrors



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, M/M, Self-Medication, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 12:27:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13146693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittynightterrors/pseuds/kittynightterrors
Summary: Aleks just doesn't feel right anymore. He can't explain how or why, but it's driving a wedge in his relationship.





	They Don't Understand

Something in Aleks changed when they moved out to California. Maybe it wasn’t a change, maybe awakening would be the right word. He just didn’t feel normal anymore. It was so hard to explain, and James just doesn’t get it. He’s an amazing boyfriend, but he can’t wrap his head around this type of depression. The type that just lingered, the kind that drags your mood down and leaves you in a funk, but it’s not drastic enough for ‘help’. Aleks was just sad, constantly, and it rubbed James the wrong way. Eventually they began to fight about it.

“Sorry I make you so goddamn miserable, Aleksandr! I try and make you happy and all you fuckin’ do is mope!”

Aleks scrubbed his hands over his face before looking to James, exasperated and just plain tired.

“James, I told you, you do make me happy! As happy as I can be. I can’t just fuckin’ shit rainbows out 24/7. I’m not you, I’m not Trevor. I’m fucking tired, James. Just let me be tired.”

“Tired? That’s rich! All you do is smoke pot and sleep, Aleks! You show up for videos, tune everyone out to edit then leave. I come home, and you’re passed out. How the hell could you possibly be tired, huh? You’re fine on camera, then you turn into an asshole to everyone. You fuckin’ started streaming again, but around me you’re just a miserable bitch. So, it’s clearly me, Aleks. I’m the goddamn problem!”

The Russian could feel tears in his eyes and he rubbed at them until they were gone. He refused to cry in front of James, not over this shit.

“I have to be happy for the camera, James. I don’t have a choice. My paycheck depends on it. My fucking rent depends on it, James. We aren’t making shit because of YouTube. We both took pay cuts for everyone else so blow it out of your ass, James! You know I can’t just fucking be like this on camera. I’m tired of people DMing me about my weight, wondering if I’m alright. If the fans fucking understand then why can’t you James? Huh?” Aleks clenched his fists, punching down on the mattress in frustration. This song and dance was almost weekly, and he just couldn’t take much more.

“You wouldn’t be so miserable if you would open up to your friends, Aleks.”

Open up? That was rich. That’s all he ever did, as best he could at least. How do you open up about something you don’t understand? When you’re just impossibly sad and think about dying all the time. It’s not suicidal thoughts, just more a wish for a quicker death. How do you explain wanting to just sleep and never wake up, but not wanting to take your own life? It’s hard, it’s frustrating, and the idea is driving Aleks up a wall. He grips his hair then lets out a nervous laugh.

“Get out.”

“Excuse me?”

“Get the fuck out of my apartment, James. Swear to fuckin’ God I will call Brett if you don’t get out of my fucking face.” The words were barely above a whisper, there was not anger in his words. There wasn’t anything in them anymore, and if Aleks had the capacity to be scared he would.

“Whatever, Aleks. Don’t fuckin’ show up ‘til you get your shit together.” There were several slammed doors before James left the apartment, leaving Aleks alone in his thoughts. He laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He wanted to go chase after James, he wanted to fight for his relationship, for his job, but it felt like there was a weight on his chest, preventing him from getting up. It only allowed him to curl up around a pillow and sleep. Maybe it would be eternal this time.

**Author's Note:**

> So, Merry Christmas? I've been struggling with my own issues lately, so I decided to write my feelings out as a small little fic. If you guys like it I'll probably write more to it. It's just mostly me listening to Joji and writing about my feelings.


End file.
